If you're a follower of my blogs, you'll remember February 2009 when I drove my nephew to Florida, (Both of you should remember it...).. Blake was enrolling in "Harley" school, actually MMI of Orlando a well renown Motorcycle Mechanic school in Florida. As the good Uncle, I drove with Blake, his dad Wayne down to Florida. It was a memorable trip. I've been the brunt of the family jokes ever since due to my feet NOT smelling like the roses they have in their shoes.But I had promised to help them both with the return trip when he graduated... So this past Thursday, my sister Wendy, my brother in law Wayne and his parents flew down from Hartford. As the norm for these trips I had no say in the time of the flight. The night before my brother in law told me we were leaving the house "NO Later than 5:30am". That night trying to sleep reminded me of my youth... On Christmas Eve when you try to go to sleep early so you can get up for what Santa brought.. You toss and turn and it takes forever...prolonging the time. I'm sure the 8 pieces of red licorice and the 6 oreo cookies didn't help sleep either...
I think the last time I looked at the clock it was 1:15am..I was dreaming in vivid color when my alarm went off.. I can't tell you what I was dreaming about...but lets just say...it was a good dream... Yeah you know the one...the one YOU don't want to wake up and miss. I stumble to turn off the alarm, roll my aching body to the edge of the bed and limp towards the bathroom to shave and shower.. By 5:25, I'm ready to go.... I load our bags into my sisters car and wait.... and wait.... by 5:45 my brother in law says, "Everybody ready?"... 10 minutes later we drive off... I'm in the front seat, and I am now mumbling about how I could have had an extra 20 minutes of sleep...
We all start towards our gate, my sister, Wayne, Mrs. Luciani limping and wincing with every step, and me pushing Pop in the wheelchair. As we get close to the gate I see it... the airport has a Dunkin Donuts... I'm ecstatic... now I know it's gonna be a good trip. It's about this time that Mrs. Luciani stops to ask her husband if he wants something to eat... As my head is turned at the Dunkin Donut spot, I run over her foot with the wheelchair.. The fleeting moment of coffee happiness is swallowed up by the "Feeling Like Shit" feeling again.. Oops... my bad... We get to the gate I offer to help Mrs. Luciani and she said, "NO that's ok, I'll crawl to the seat myself thanks"... I leave the rest of the group in the dust and dart back to the DD counter.. Get my coffee and a multigrain bagel with chive spread. as I crinkle up the bag a plastic knife pops out and rips the bag and scraps some flesh off my fingers, I mumble something rude and grab the knife and throw it in the garbage as I head back to the gate. I now pass Frank and his wife and I stop to introduce myself and say that I know them... They look at me like I just ran over their toes with a wheelchair.... no wait that was a few minutes ago... I find out she worked at AEtna with me in Middletown CT back in the mid 80's.. She doesn't remember me, but remembers my friend Mel. Everyone remembers Mel, so I spend a few minutes updating them on HIS life... As I head back to the gate, I find out that we get to board the plane first. My sister and the limping Mrs. Luciani head down the gateway, and I help Pop in the chair. We board and get settled in the row that is NOT and exit row... So once again I'm on a plane that lets my knees touch my chin... Great...in only 2 1/2 hours from now I can unpretzel and get off this plane. Fortunately I have my Ipod and start listening to my Blues collection. I grab my coffee, and then proceed to open up my DD bag with my bagel.. It is then I realize why they gave me the plastic knife... The bagel is toasted just the way I like it, and there's a little plastic pouch of chives spread that needs to be put on my bagel.. The knife is a long way away, and why wouldn't they just put it on the bagel like the other 4,578 DD's across the country do...
So I peel open the round pouch and use the foil lid to spread my chive cream cheese. At this point I realize that the it doesn't spread evenly like the plastic knife could do.. and half of it is now stuck on my fingers and thumb and my right knee that is inches from my chin.. I check the bag,... and of course there's no napkins... aarrrgggghhhh!!!
I chow down, then proceed to stare out the window until take off.. It's the best part of the trip, I like the rush of being pushed back in my seat from the thrusters of the jet... However my knees are pushing my chin back too, I'm sure to add another chin to my double chin by the time we climb the sky... We make it up in the wild blue yonder and I now know we are on our way... I dose off and miss the bag of peanuts that couldn't feed more than a gerbil, but I'm disappointed anyways.. But we are now in the Sunshine State... So it can't be all bad. We wheel Pop out to the ground area a good 3 miles away, now it's hot, and I'm sweating like a fat guy eating at a picnic... Welcome to Florida...My sister and brother in law are members of the Disney Vacation Club.. so part of the service is a free ride on the Mickey Magical tour bus. So the 5 of us pile in the bus with the other 13 families and their children... and lucky for me, the video welcoming us in the land of Disney is playing Mickey Mouse cartoons... Thank goodness it was only a 20 minute drive.. We get to Saratoga Springs resort in Disney.. and I must admit it's gorgeous.. My sister goes in to check in and I stay outside and it is then that I know what it feels like to be 15 feet from the sun. Sweat is pouring off me like Niagara Falls.. My sister comes out of the airconditioned registration office to tell the the good news, we should be able to get to the rooms in less than an hour. Ten minutes later my nephew Blake shows up and laughes at my soaking wet shirt and says "Welcome to Florida"..
My sister gives me a tour around the pool area where I'm envious of all of the people wading in the pool.. We get to our rooms and my sister asks Blake to drive her and Mrs. Luciani to the Outlet stores so she can buy a new pair of shoes.. Apparently while dislocating her toe she broke her shoe, either that or when I rolled over it with the wheelchair I may have torn the strap. It is in the outdoor outlet stores where I realize there are only a few people that speak english. There's Frenchmen, Italians, Chinese and Russians... Yeah this is shaping up to be a great vacation..
So off to the grocery store for just a wee bit of supplies...afterall we are only here for a few more days.... Yeah right...My sister drops over $200 in the store, snacks upon snacks, paper goods.. all the while my nephew keeps saying..."Ma..stop already, noi one is gonna eat all this stuff, and daddy won't let you throw it out"..Little does he know, his brother, and 2 uncles are gonna surprise him tomorrow. His brother is nicknamed Stick...so he's not eating that much, but Uncle Fatty, and Uncle Enormous are joining Uncle Chubby (me), so we may have to go back to the store for more food later in the trip...
By this time it's almost time for dinner, because of the heat, I've dropped 13lbs of water weight... Nothing like a full meal to put those pounds back on... Well since the cabinets are filled with all the goodies from the store....I wonder what we'll have for dinner....Of course we go out for dinner.. we head to The Rain Forest Cafe... Great place, I have been to the one in CT just once...actually, I was there during a school vacation week and the waiting line was 2 hrs, so I never made it in to eat.. But, it sounded like fun, we all get situated in our seats and it is then that I realize I can't read the menu... Yeah, my eyes are starting to fail on me, only when reading in dark light.. My nephew busts my chops and asks me if I brought my glasses from home? I reply YES... His next comment is something like, "Well maybe you should bring them with you if you want to read anything.. Thx pal..got it!! I'll just borrow my sisters when she is done with hers.. Two minutes later there I am wearing these 50's styled multi colored pokadot reading glasses, and in between my nephews supressed laughter he asks me... "pass the bread Laverne".. and I thought he was too young to know that reference...
Dinner was great, besides the large Elphant that spews water every 13 minutes or the big Gorilla that snorts like I snore every 11 minutes.. But it was good food.. And Grandma Gloria's feet started to heal..
We drop off everyone back at Saratoga Springs, and Blake and I head back to his apartmnent for junk food and cigars.. The best thing about Blake is he's an electronic junkie too.. He's got Tivo, Cable, On Demand... I'm good, it's almost better than being home, and besides I get to sleep on the Cadillac of Blow Up Beds.. By 1100pm I'm two cigars in, four packages of cheese crackers and a diet Dr. Pepper in, as I settle down to watch HBO's "Hard Knocks", because he's got the On Demand feature I watch two episodes in a row... Ahhhh, Florida seems like Heaven, just a bit warmer...We wake up early and head back to Disney, Blake wants to know why his father wants us there so early since his graduation isn't until 10am, little does he know, two fat uncles and a stick are waiting there for him. We stop at Dunkin Donuts, because he knows I can't function without my coffee.. I order a dozen donuts, he snaps that at me and states I shouldn't buy any because no one is gonna eat them.. I can't tell him about his surprise guests so I buy three instead..
We arrive at the gates of Disney and for the 143th time the guard says "Welcome Home", yeah it's a nice touch, but after a few days it's starting to get annoying... As we get to the suite, Blake goes in first and lo and behold Uncle Warren, Uncle Jimmy & Garett jump out and yell surprise... Blake stumbles back in shock and steps on his grandmothers damaged toes... She winces, and instead of apologizing, he looks at me and says, "If you didn't ruin them, it wouldn't have hurt her".. Great, now I'm gonna feel bad for another few hours..
We all pile in the two cars and head over to Blake's school for the ceremony. This is not your typical graduation.. There's not a lot of nerdy types with pencil pouches and glasses, the place is filled with tattooed families... There's more ink in the room than at the Bic headquarters back in Milford, CT. We are the only inkless family there... there's grandmothers with harley tank tops on, and tramp stamps from here to Daytona.. And I swear the members of ZZ Top were there too.. or at least some of their relatives..
The Dean of the school, encourages families to come up front and take pictures of the grads.. They call each one up and wait while the pictures are taken, then move on top the next grad. The one girl in the class is more of a man than I'll ever be, gets a rousing applause, and one of her girlfriends, who I swear plays as a defensive lineman for the Tampa Bay Bucs starts hooting and hollering like she recovered a fumble for a touchdown..
There's another girl that looks like a combination of a linebacker and a stripper... She's got black fizzy hair. white puffy button down blouse, with a black mini skirt with black suspenders pushing her boobs out and up... Seven of her tattoos are showing, I didn't ask to see the other nine... Not in front of my sister anyways... She smelt like candy too... not sure if I mentioned that...
It was time for Blake to be introduced, I quickly skipped to the front to take some pictures... It seemed like everyone stared at me like I was freak... I don't have any tattoo's... yet....
After the ceremony we gathered in back to take more pictures, Blake with his parents, Blake with his Uncles... Blake with his school buddies, as I stepped back to get a wider view.. I stepped on Grandma Gloria's bad toe... Instead of wincing like she has done before, now she's in defense mode, shoving me with two hands in the middle of my back... I'm sure to have a mild case of whiplash before the trip is thru...
Blake takes his brother and Uncle's to the vending machines, the coolest vending machines on the earth, or at least in hot Florida.. there they were, 3 choices of Ice Cream Bars.. wow...you don't see that back up north!
While we're waiting for the ice cream boys to come back, all the other families are hanging out in the halls, I'm standing next to Grandma Gloria, (A good 2 feet away as not to ruffle her toes), and our little Stripper Heidi Girl comes waltzing over and proceeds to bend over in front of us, Grandma Gloria leans over to me and says, "Glenn...get a picture of this girls outfit...I haven't seen anything like that"... I cringe, because I'm sure she heard that, but I shake my head and try to take 1 shot.... Fifteen snaps of the camera later she whips her head back and gives me the look like I just gave her $5 for a $20 lapdance..errr... ummmmm....I mean...if I ever was in a strip club.......I'm just saying...ummm....
So we head out to lunch with the whole crew, Blake's two buddies from school and their whole families... Thirty two people for lunch... A server's dream... As we sit down, I reach for my reading glasses that my nephew Blake goaded me into bringing... and I find them broken in half... Great, now I can't see the menu and I need new glasses... Turning out to be an expensive trip.. I'm already down $40 to the stripper at Blake's school!!!
I've worked in restaurants, it's not that tough to feed 32 at once... 4 1/2 hours later we finished our lunch, it's now 5:30pm, no one wants to go to the "all you can eat" place Blake has picked out for us... So we head back to Downtown Disney for some window shopping and maybe a little Ice Cream...
Let me rephrase that... most of us are going for a little Ice Cream... Uncle Warren has been talking about the Frisbee of Ice Cream... I really wasn't sure what he was talking about. But we head over to Ghiradelli for some dessert, it takes a good 20 minutes for them to bring ours to the table... WHY?? Well Uncle Warren has a frisbee filled with 8 different scoops of Ice Cream, lathered with whipped cream, and jar of cherries and of course syrup to choke a horse... As he devours the manhole of cream, I notice small children staring at amazement of Warren's snack... Now it starts raining, not just cats and dogs, but Mice, ducks and dwarfs... Damn...now I know I'm in Disney!! Warren finishes his feast and amazingly, never spilled a drop on his legs or shirt.. I myself have a small cone with two scoops and a little chocolate syrup... and I have three stains of chocolate on my shorts.. and one small ice cream drip on my shirt, and my fingers are sticky... Great.!!!
WE head back to Disney, "Welcome Home", enough already with the Home crap... Blake, Uncle Jimmy and I head back to Blake's, Jimmy is leaving early in the morning so he's gonna sleep on the couch then head to the airport by 5am. I turn the TV on set the volume on low and listen to Jimmy tell us that he has trouble sleeping and may not get a full night rest, 5 minutes later he's snoring like Rip Van Winkle...
I get up at 5am, and Jimmy is already showered, dressed and out the door... Blake gets up a few hours later and we head home, err I mean back at Disney... I go and sit by the pool, I figure I'll try and darken up my hotel sheet white body in the Florida sun. Sitting at a lounge chair, this tan blonde woman who seems to be European, as evidenced by her husbands tiny black speedo walks up and sits in the row directly in front of me.. She's already tan from Monaco, I would imagine, anyways she proceeds to bend over and stretch for a good 3 minutes, I haven't seen boobs that big since I saw the Three Stooges in the Capital Theatre in Milford. I try and concentrate on my morning newspaper and my coffee.... for some reason I keep craving more milk... go figure....
Garett (a/k/a Stick), joins me and we both concentrate on our reading material... My sister Wendy shows up and now it seems like the whole family is gonna hang at the pool today... After a few more minutes, Blake and Uncle Warren come down and announce to Garett and I that we are going to Blizzard Beach... Uuuggghh, I gotta watch Uncle Warren eat more Ice Cream I sigh... "NO".. Blake states, it's a water park... I immediately think about my natural bleach stained body and declare that maybe I won't go, but Garett, Blake and Uncle Warren convince me to go... Warren assures me that I won't have the worst body there.... Sadly, or fortunately he's right. We get to the Water Park, and we get in and rent a locker... Apparently it's customary to strip down to nothing but a swimsuit.
Now I must digress... it's been a family joke for years that my feet smell... not too bad, but the legend grows with every year... While I do admit the trip down to Florida back in Feb '09, there were some truth to it, (evidenced by my past blog, check it out it's pretty funny), anyways, because I'm thoughtful, I put my shoes in first, with the open side facing the inside of the locker that has vent holes in it.. My thinking is if my shoes really smell, even just a bit, the smell will emanate out the back. Then Blake sticks his shoes in, Garett's nap sack, then all of our shirts and sunglasses.. They squeeze the locker shut, and off we go...
As I look around I see a few buff guys and some cute inshape women, but they were right, I see more flesh than I can stand, and most of these people seem not to care... As I turn to Warren, with his man boobs pointing out at me thru an ocean of gray and black hair, he smiles and says, "told you that you wouldn't be the worst one here"... I mumble that I'm not even the worst one in our crew... But I'm close... we walk around a bit and head up these giant stairs with our double tubes for floating down the slide... Now, I'm not to big of heights, but I gut thru it, and refuse to let them know I'm sweating for the climb, not the heat... We get to the top and Garett and Blake hop in one tube and off they go... Warren yells out that he's going in back... I say... "whatever"... We jump in the tube and of course hit bottom. the nice attendant gives us a hardy shove to get to the lip of the slide, we move and inch and a half... He nods to the other attendant, and between the both of them they shove us over the lip and down the slide.... As soon as we start the steep trail down the watery slide, I can feel Warren trying to tip the float... Great, I'm gonna flip out of the tube and go crashing over the edge and be the first 50 year old to die at a fun water park... Somehow we make it to the bottom, and amazingly, it was a blast!! We trudge back up the stairs for round two... This time Warren says that I can sit in back this time... What a nice gesture, or so I thought..... We fly down the slide again, and I'm much more comfortable this time as I know what to expect, but as you hit the bottom and the float hits the pool, you drift a little under the water, partly to slow you down... Well, Warren has a plan, as we hit the pool area, he lunges deep down in the water with the tube, and I am now ejected out of the tube through the air over his hairy body and inches from the steps... He's hysterically laughing, now I know why he offered me the back this time...
They decide that we are going to the top of the mountain to race down the next slide, but first let's take the lazy river to spot around the park. We get tubes and I go to jump in ass first, and I flip over with the hard plastic handles hitting me in the mouth, the other three are laughing, and I'm dripping blood from my bloody lip.... We make it around and climb another set of stairs to the top for the race of a lifetime... The attendant asks us how many in our group we say 4.. Garett calls him over and pleads his case, "look at me I weigh half of each one of them, can I get a head's start??", The guy laughs and walks away.... He instructs us to keep one foot on the back and one on the bottom next to the foam sled with handles that we will use.. Blake and Warren are both boasting that each one is gonna win, Garett is still pleading to anyone that will listen, and I am convinced that I can win this, so I put both feet on the back and my plan is to lunge down the first half of the slide and get a jump start.... The starter yells, GO... and I push off with all my might, I fly out over the slide, like a Fat Michael Phelps in the olympics, and as I hity the slide safely, I'm in the lead, as we make are way to the first hump, I'm leading and smiling, concentrating and doing a damn good job, by the time I hit the second hump, I'm hootin' and hollering, I am gonna win this thing... Coming up to the third and final hump, there's no one in front of me and I'm loving life... Just after the crest of the last hump I have less than 40 yards for certain victory.... Then ...out of nowhere, like a drag racer in Fast & Furious that kicks in the Nitros in his engine Uncle Warren goes shooting by me... water is spraying me and my winning smile turns to a frown.... How the F...? I don't get it, I was in the lead...... Now I'm almost to the end and I'm moving fast I start to drag my feet, I know of no other way to stop... Once I get out of the slide water, Warren is laughing and pointing at me and telling me about the look on my face.... by this time we are all laughing and three of my toes are bleeding profusely.. I gotta be the only one that goes to a Disney themed Water Park and comes out injured... At least I still have all my toes..... (all 9 of them anyways)...
Oh yeah, while we are line for the rides, there's this young good looking couple from europe, (Again you can tell by the suits they wear), the girl has the most beautiful body in the park, and she's wearing a bathing bottom that has less material than a spool of thread, a small spool.... Her boyfriend who has rich dark hair on his head and not a stitch of hair anywhere else is obviously aroused staring at his girls bottom, while she stands in front of him.... It's disturbing.. I look away... I'm here to have fun, not get depressed or grossed out by an aroused man.... We decide to break for lunch and three fats guy and Garett make are way to the snack bar, but not before stopping for a classic photo by the startled Disney photographer... who can't believe we actually want him to take our picture... Ohhh it's a classic, but definitely not for the internet, (Write me with a check for $49.99 and we'll send you and 8x10 autographed by all of us....no personalizations though)... We pig out and then out for more... all in all it was fun, my cocaine white body is now red like Rudolphs nose... As we get back to our locker, which has been sweltering in the heat and when we open up the locker Warren sniffs his shirt and proceeds to drop it in the trash can, yelling that my feet ate away at his shirt..... Blake and Garett are laughing and I'm smelling my shirt and trying to reason that maybe his shirt already smelt bad... no chance, the legend of my feet live on..... My shirt is fine, Blake's shirt is fine and even Garett's shirt is fine... but Warren stumbles over to the Disney store to buy a new shirt, He picks out the most colorful and certainly ugliest shirt there, and holds it up to us on the other side of the store and says "It's either this one ....or the other one"... Like on cue, The three of us yell at the same time... "Get the other one!!!"... More laughing and we are exhausted, we head back to the hotel...
Blake drives me back to his apartment and he back to the family...I'm gonna hook up with him and Garett later at this bar he's been singing the praise of...
When I first moved to New Jersey back in 1987, I used to bank at National Community Bank, and the only teller who was under 50, was this beautiful brunette with an infectious smile... Lisa Salvatore... We became friendly, as I knew no one but my dad's friend Spencer, his wife and his three young boys... Lisa was the first woman in NJ that acknowledged I was alive.. We hit it off, and hung out for a while... It was fun hanging with Lisa, she was pretty and laughed at my jokes, and besides, she knew her way around Jersey.. WE had fun, partied a little and I even think I got to feel her boobs once.... We fast forward to the present, we are now Facebook friends, ( I know her co-workers are laughing right now)... and she lives in Tampa. She's recently divorced and promises to come to Orlando, I promise to take her out for dinner and get her drunk... She's a bit sarcastic, but I love that, so she makes to Blake's apartment, we sit for a few minutes, and catch up on our past... Then we head out to dinner... Blake had suggested Longhorns.. A great choice, we get shrimp and buffalo chicken as apps, salad for each of us, and steak... I actually have a beer... She's dropping her Rum margaritas like water, it's then I remember she can drink with the best of them... If I'm getting her drunk, I'm gonna have to knock off a bank.... We laugh some more and more, then completely stuffed we head back to my nephews, yeah I guess it's been along time, but I was hoping to get my hands on her boobs again... And I might add, they are bigger than before.. (Sorry Lisa...you can punch me for that in the future)... but I was a gentleman, and she was still sober, so we waited for Blake and Garett to take us to the bar he was talking about...
We head over to Jesse Black's... it's a country bar, that charges you $10 after 10pm and lets you drink all the bottled beer you want... WOW... great deal... Blake pays for us, (Thx Bomber!!) and we head in, apparently they only charge woman $5, they lost money on Lisa... But we laughed some more, and watched 200 people line dancing... Now As I get older, I know I'm not in the best shape of my life, and Lisa, she's had two kids, one of which was throwing a party back in Tampa while she was with me... But some of these women should really check out the mirror before they head out on the prowl... Unless of course she's looking for a Brahma Bull... It's always the big girls wearing an outfit 4 sizes too small that dances provocatively near me... She asks Lisa and I if she can dance on the 5foot x 5 foot speaker near us, both of us without missing a beat chime... "Sure"... but she couldn't lift her hoof...errr leg up to get up there so she did the Elaine dance from Seinfeld in front of us... Once again we laughed and had a great time... The four of us headed back to Blake's and by this time Lisa had caught a small buzz... Blake and Garett headed back to the hotel, and I hugged Lisa for the first time since the 80's and wished her luck and thanked her for her visit... What a trooper... she drove back to Tampa to see what type of damage (other than her favorite wine glass that was a casualty early in the night)... that was caused... Thanks Lisa!!! It was like old times, you haven't changed and you're still beautiful!! I'm hoping when I'm 70, and I see Lisa again, her boobs will be even BIGGER!!! Hahahaha ... sorry couldn't resist...
Sunday was the day I dreaded, the packing of the truck.... Maybe I'm overreacting... Is it really that bad to make 125 trips up two flights of stairs with heavy stuff in the Florida heat? Naw...I didn't think so either...but it was ... Blake had began packing a few weeks in advance, smart kid... So I put my mule hat on and went to work... It took all day... I'm dripping with sweat, and guzzling Purple Gatorade like it's my last drink of the century... But somehow, the truck is loaded, and the only thing that Blake is concerned about, is his 50inch TV... He tells us that everything else doesn't matter, just don't break his TV... Great, so the pressure of driving 18 straight hours isn't enough, now I gotta watch for potholes too...
Blake graduated, but he was going to stay for an additional 3 weeks to complete a BMW course, so he can certified with them as well.. We left him in his barren apartment with nothing but a blowup bed, computer and his other 50inch TV... Tough, when you have to "rough" it like that...
7:00am we hit the road, like to renegades... My brother-in-law Wayne and me... Wayne drives first, and we encounter our first traffic jam of the trip before we even left the Orlando city limits... Yes, Virginia...they do have rush hours in Florida... (sorry...and old reference that maybe two of you will get)... Now we are are cruising...each of us take a 3 hour stint behind the wheel.. Perfect timing for me to pee and get more coffee... I take the next three hour shift.... back and forth we go, switching every three hours... We head north and make the trip uneventful... I drive the last 7 or so hours as my brother in law gets tired at night... We arrive back in Woodbridge at about 3 am... We are Locked out of the house..GREAT.... My other nephew Troy who didn't make the trip locked the house up for safe keeping... All I wanna do is sleep.. My ankles are swollen and I now know what they will look like if I make 70...
It was a great trip... and one I surely won't make again... But besides destroying Grandma Gloria's feet, getting bloody in Blizzard Beach and never getting my hands on Lisa's boobs... it was a great trip... and for sure...Orlando will never be the same....
I get up at 5am, and Jimmy is already showered, dressed and out the door... Blake gets up a few hours later and we head home, err I mean back at Disney... I go and sit by the pool, I figure I'll try and darken up my hotel sheet white body in the Florida sun. Sitting at a lounge chair, this tan blonde woman who seems to be European, as evidenced by her husbands tiny black speedo walks up and sits in the row directly in front of me.. She's already tan from Monaco, I would imagine, anyways she proceeds to bend over and stretch for a good 3 minutes, I haven't seen boobs that big since I saw the Three Stooges in the Capital Theatre in Milford. I try and concentrate on my morning newspaper and my coffee.... for some reason I keep craving more milk... go figure....
Now I must digress... it's been a family joke for years that my feet smell... not too bad, but the legend grows with every year... While I do admit the trip down to Florida back in Feb '09, there were some truth to it, (evidenced by my past blog, check it out it's pretty funny), anyways, because I'm thoughtful, I put my shoes in first, with the open side facing the inside of the locker that has vent holes in it.. My thinking is if my shoes really smell, even just a bit, the smell will emanate out the back. Then Blake sticks his shoes in, Garett's nap sack, then all of our shirts and sunglasses.. They squeeze the locker shut, and off we go...
As I look around I see a few buff guys and some cute inshape women, but they were right, I see more flesh than I can stand, and most of these people seem not to care... As I turn to Warren, with his man boobs pointing out at me thru an ocean of gray and black hair, he smiles and says, "told you that you wouldn't be the worst one here"... I mumble that I'm not even the worst one in our crew... But I'm close... we walk around a bit and head up these giant stairs with our double tubes for floating down the slide... Now, I'm not to big of heights, but I gut thru it, and refuse to let them know I'm sweating for the climb, not the heat... We get to the top and Garett and Blake hop in one tube and off they go... Warren yells out that he's going in back... I say... "whatever"... We jump in the tube and of course hit bottom. the nice attendant gives us a hardy shove to get to the lip of the slide, we move and inch and a half... He nods to the other attendant, and between the both of them they shove us over the lip and down the slide.... As soon as we start the steep trail down the watery slide, I can feel Warren trying to tip the float... Great, I'm gonna flip out of the tube and go crashing over the edge and be the first 50 year old to die at a fun water park... Somehow we make it to the bottom, and amazingly, it was a blast!! We trudge back up the stairs for round two... This time Warren says that I can sit in back this time... What a nice gesture, or so I thought..... We fly down the slide again, and I'm much more comfortable this time as I know what to expect, but as you hit the bottom and the float hits the pool, you drift a little under the water, partly to slow you down... Well, Warren has a plan, as we hit the pool area, he lunges deep down in the water with the tube, and I am now ejected out of the tube through the air over his hairy body and inches from the steps... He's hysterically laughing, now I know why he offered me the back this time...
They decide that we are going to the top of the mountain to race down the next slide, but first let's take the lazy river to spot around the park. We get tubes and I go to jump in ass first, and I flip over with the hard plastic handles hitting me in the mouth, the other three are laughing, and I'm dripping blood from my bloody lip.... We make it around and climb another set of stairs to the top for the race of a lifetime... The attendant asks us how many in our group we say 4.. Garett calls him over and pleads his case, "look at me I weigh half of each one of them, can I get a head's start??", The guy laughs and walks away.... He instructs us to keep one foot on the back and one on the bottom next to the foam sled with handles that we will use.. Blake and Warren are both boasting that each one is gonna win, Garett is still pleading to anyone that will listen, and I am convinced that I can win this, so I put both feet on the back and my plan is to lunge down the first half of the slide and get a jump start.... The starter yells, GO... and I push off with all my might, I fly out over the slide, like a Fat Michael Phelps in the olympics, and as I hity the slide safely, I'm in the lead, as we make are way to the first hump, I'm leading and smiling, concentrating and doing a damn good job, by the time I hit the second hump, I'm hootin' and hollering, I am gonna win this thing... Coming up to the third and final hump, there's no one in front of me and I'm loving life... Just after the crest of the last hump I have less than 40 yards for certain victory.... Then ...out of nowhere, like a drag racer in Fast & Furious that kicks in the Nitros in his engine Uncle Warren goes shooting by me... water is spraying me and my winning smile turns to a frown.... How the F...? I don't get it, I was in the lead...... Now I'm almost to the end and I'm moving fast I start to drag my feet, I know of no other way to stop... Once I get out of the slide water, Warren is laughing and pointing at me and telling me about the look on my face.... by this time we are all laughing and three of my toes are bleeding profusely.. I gotta be the only one that goes to a Disney themed Water Park and comes out injured... At least I still have all my toes..... (all 9 of them anyways)...Oh yeah, while we are line for the rides, there's this young good looking couple from europe, (Again you can tell by the suits they wear), the girl has the most beautiful body in the park, and she's wearing a bathing bottom that has less material than a spool of thread, a small spool.... Her boyfriend who has rich dark hair on his head and not a stitch of hair anywhere else is obviously aroused staring at his girls bottom, while she stands in front of him.... It's disturbing.. I look away... I'm here to have fun, not get depressed or grossed out by an aroused man.... We decide to break for lunch and three fats guy and Garett make are way to the snack bar, but not before stopping for a classic photo by the startled Disney photographer... who can't believe we actually want him to take our picture... Ohhh it's a classic, but definitely not for the internet, (Write me with a check for $49.99 and we'll send you and 8x10 autographed by all of us....no personalizations though)... We pig out and then out for more... all in all it was fun, my cocaine white body is now red like Rudolphs nose... As we get back to our locker, which has been sweltering in the heat and when we open up the locker Warren sniffs his shirt and proceeds to drop it in the trash can, yelling that my feet ate away at his shirt..... Blake and Garett are laughing and I'm smelling my shirt and trying to reason that maybe his shirt already smelt bad... no chance, the legend of my feet live on..... My shirt is fine, Blake's shirt is fine and even Garett's shirt is fine... but Warren stumbles over to the Disney store to buy a new shirt, He picks out the most colorful and certainly ugliest shirt there, and holds it up to us on the other side of the store and says "It's either this one ....or the other one"... Like on cue, The three of us yell at the same time... "Get the other one!!!"... More laughing and we are exhausted, we head back to the hotel...
Blake drives me back to his apartment and he back to the family...I'm gonna hook up with him and Garett later at this bar he's been singing the praise of...
When I first moved to New Jersey back in 1987, I used to bank at National Community Bank, and the only teller who was under 50, was this beautiful brunette with an infectious smile... Lisa Salvatore... We became friendly, as I knew no one but my dad's friend Spencer, his wife and his three young boys... Lisa was the first woman in NJ that acknowledged I was alive.. We hit it off, and hung out for a while... It was fun hanging with Lisa, she was pretty and laughed at my jokes, and besides, she knew her way around Jersey.. WE had fun, partied a little and I even think I got to feel her boobs once.... We fast forward to the present, we are now Facebook friends, ( I know her co-workers are laughing right now)... and she lives in Tampa. She's recently divorced and promises to come to Orlando, I promise to take her out for dinner and get her drunk... She's a bit sarcastic, but I love that, so she makes to Blake's apartment, we sit for a few minutes, and catch up on our past... Then we head out to dinner... Blake had suggested Longhorns.. A great choice, we get shrimp and buffalo chicken as apps, salad for each of us, and steak... I actually have a beer... She's dropping her Rum margaritas like water, it's then I remember she can drink with the best of them... If I'm getting her drunk, I'm gonna have to knock off a bank.... We laugh some more and more, then completely stuffed we head back to my nephews, yeah I guess it's been along time, but I was hoping to get my hands on her boobs again... And I might add, they are bigger than before.. (Sorry Lisa...you can punch me for that in the future)... but I was a gentleman, and she was still sober, so we waited for Blake and Garett to take us to the bar he was talking about...
Sunday was the day I dreaded, the packing of the truck.... Maybe I'm overreacting... Is it really that bad to make 125 trips up two flights of stairs with heavy stuff in the Florida heat? Naw...I didn't think so either...but it was ... Blake had began packing a few weeks in advance, smart kid... So I put my mule hat on and went to work... It took all day... I'm dripping with sweat, and guzzling Purple Gatorade like it's my last drink of the century... But somehow, the truck is loaded, and the only thing that Blake is concerned about, is his 50inch TV... He tells us that everything else doesn't matter, just don't break his TV... Great, so the pressure of driving 18 straight hours isn't enough, now I gotta watch for potholes too...
Blake graduated, but he was going to stay for an additional 3 weeks to complete a BMW course, so he can certified with them as well.. We left him in his barren apartment with nothing but a blowup bed, computer and his other 50inch TV... Tough, when you have to "rough" it like that...
7:00am we hit the road, like to renegades... My brother-in-law Wayne and me... Wayne drives first, and we encounter our first traffic jam of the trip before we even left the Orlando city limits... Yes, Virginia...they do have rush hours in Florida... (sorry...and old reference that maybe two of you will get)... Now we are are cruising...each of us take a 3 hour stint behind the wheel.. Perfect timing for me to pee and get more coffee... I take the next three hour shift.... back and forth we go, switching every three hours... We head north and make the trip uneventful... I drive the last 7 or so hours as my brother in law gets tired at night... We arrive back in Woodbridge at about 3 am... We are Locked out of the house..GREAT.... My other nephew Troy who didn't make the trip locked the house up for safe keeping... All I wanna do is sleep.. My ankles are swollen and I now know what they will look like if I make 70...
It was a great trip... and one I surely won't make again... But besides destroying Grandma Gloria's feet, getting bloody in Blizzard Beach and never getting my hands on Lisa's boobs... it was a great trip... and for sure...Orlando will never be the same....
