Course in Bristol Connecticut. At the restaurant, we have a couple of great customers, Jim and Colleen, who frequent our place for a meal or an occassional drink. In the past they treated Billy Cal, my night Vampire bartender, and myself to a round at the TPC course in CT. So every year Colleen has a charity outing for L.I.S.A., which stands for Living in Safe Alternatives. The L.I.S.A. also remembers Lisa Steinberg, who was killed by her adoptive father, in NYC years ago.. It's a great organization that helps children in need. It's something that she feels very strongly, and actively promotes... (This is where you are supposed to stand up and gently clap for her efforts)... Go ahead... I'll pause.....So Billy and I talked about it all summer, and we both felt it was important to be there. Of course it's easier for the Vampire, he's not due
in until 6pm on Monday's, and there will be a good chance he will ask one of the girls to cover him... I on the other hand, need to be in by no later than 1pm, so I can do my monday obligations, food & liquor ordering, payroll, etc etc,.. But knowing I was playing in the Scramble Tournament, I planned ahead, (anyone that knows me, knows I don't plan ahead well... )... I did all my food ordering on Sunday, after a grueling Sunday Football Crowd... Called in all the orders ahead of schedule... So I am ready....I go to sleep, and no.... I did not sleep with my new driver.... I don't know where these rumors start.... I slept like a baby, (I cried and wet the bed).. Just kidding..... I didn't cry...
I wake up around 5:45am, with a little spasm in my back, of course I think nothing of it, as I sleep on a pull out coach at my sisters, in which the mattress rivals the Rolling hills of Tuscany, (I've never been there, but you get the drift),... I roll over, and sleep a little more... A few minutes later I awaken with the same type of cramp... Now I try and remember back, and yes, I think I am getting a kidney stone... I jump out of bed, run to my car and grab my prescription for anti-inflammatory pills, for just this type of emergency. As I chew the pill, (I've eaten Big Macs in 3 bites but I gag when swallowing a pill), Then i read the label, huh... it says do not use after 5/2007... Ok, so what's the deal, by Thursday do I grow an arm out of my back??? No... How about a reaction that causes my head to have rapid hair growing making me look like the Werewolf?? Needless to say after a few minutes of over thinking I drift back into a painkiller sleep.... I get up, feel great and head to the course... If it is a kidney stone, I've silenced it's deafening pain...
At Chippanee, I get there first, then Billy the Vampire, Mark Bird, and Chris G, "the ghost" show up....
Great we got a Vampire, a Bird, a Ghost and a fat guy in shorts, (me)... It should be fun... We eat, like sailers going to sea for eternity... Okay, Maybe it's me that eats that way, The Ghost has some cole slaw and fruit... The Vampire goes for a burger, Cooked Rare of course... The Bird, well... he eats like a Vulture..... Me... I try to fuel my body wisely, thinking about utilizing the nutrition so I can squeeze out a few extra yards on my drives off the tee.... So I eat 2 Hamburgers and a Sausage patty, with no bread... I'm ready....
So this event is what they call a Scramble, all four golfers tee off and then you take the best ball, and all of us hit from that spot... I would rather play a regular round of golf, but in events like this, it speeds up play and lets you talk more when you're all standing in the same spot... We are to start on Hole #3, The Vampire snaps his cape and says follow me, (instead of flying or turning into a bat), he drives the cart... He's played here before, he knows his way around, well within seconds we are far away from where we are supposed to be, I tell him I think it's over there, motioning in a Northeast direction, he brushes my input away like King Kong swatted fighter jets away...
He heads in a Southwest direction, all the while The Bird and The Ghost are following us like they followed the Pied Piper... Once Fang mouth realizes I am right, he asks for my help... We get to the right spot, a Par 3, and proceed to start the days round. It's almost 1pm, tee off was supposed to be at 12:30pm, but more importantly, no signs of the Kidney Stone... So I'm good....All in all it was a great day, clear skys, jokes, beers for the other three, snorts of laughter, crotch grabbing, (we don't grab each others crotches, I really needed to clarify that), a fun day of golf...
We get back to the clubhouse and they have a tremendous dinner planned, it is then when I realize I can't stay, I have to work tonite... So I head to work. Once there, we get ready for the game, I check in with the girls, Erica, Taryn & Cassandra, they're fine, so I go to my sisters to change, once back my foe returns, The Kidney Stone... It is then that I decide to take another pill. I tell myself, "I'll be fine once this thing kicks in", of course I turn my head around to make sure the expired pills haven't made that extra limb grow yet.. I'm still good, just in a little pain..
Let me step back, have you ever had a kidney stone??? If not, you're lucky, if you have, well then, you know it hurts something fierce... They say that it's the closest men can feel to giving childbirth... And we're talking about a stone the size of a grain of sand... As much as it hurts, and in years past I can tell you it really does hurt... I'd much rather have a stone than squeeze a football out of a garden hose...
I'm doubled over now... I chew another half a pill.. Eventually the pain subsides... I finish at work... and go to sleep...
Tuesday morning I pass the stone... I'm good now for a few more years...
So if you're wondering, I suggest golf over a kidney stone...
